What to Do When Your Spirit Animal is a River Rock and You Only Look Pretty When Sopping Wet
Shower Every Hour
Sure, your water bill may be astronomical but that’s the price of beauty baby! Many of us WFH’ers are never more than 10 feet from our bathroom. Harness that power and stay in the shower!
All Cotton Everything
Quick moistening, slow drying. This sexy textile is horrible for camping but perfect for dampening! Your camp counselor said that “cotton kills” but your new drenched-denim has looks to kill!
Reuse Cleaning Sprayers
These can be attached to the many disposable plastic water bottles you have on the floor of your Kia Sorrento for a quick, on-the-go spritz, you cheap bitch. Reduce and reuse before you recycle those same dry looks.
Go Swimming Off the Gulf Coast
Feeling jealous of the marine wildlife with that oily ‘wet hair’ look? Get down to the Deepwater Horizon BP oil spill that’s STILL THERE 12 YEARS LATER and soak up some petroleum-based, leave-in conditioner.
Piggyback a Saint Bernard
This is a two-fer. Cute and functional. Not only will you have a cute lil’ Beethoven boy poking over your shoulder, you also get the drool drip to keep you nice and saturated throughout the day. A win-win!
Change Your Spirit Animal to a Bottle of Vegetable Oil
Contact your local spirit animal governing agency and file a claim. Who knows what’s going on over at Crisco™ headquarters but those dopes seem to have perfected the science behind coating the outside of bottles in oil mere seconds after opening them.
Let’s see what people are saying about this: