Finally! A recap for a team with some semblance of hope. I’d like to apologize for the somber tones of the previous recaps, but in reality it’s god who should be apologizing to me. They’re the one who slammed the gavel of injury and malperformance down upon my humble array of fantasy teams. God should apologize, not me. Anyhoo! I, Tonyan has been my best performing team all year and I’m 100% making playoffs. This may be the last fantasy recap of the year so it feels quite serendipitous that I do my best team last.

The questionable characters over at Scottsdale Hounds suffered an agonizing defeat this weekend due to the lack of support from Brandon Aiyu-Gonna-Be-Okay and Someone-Call-His-Mom-Dre Stevenson. Helpless, all SH could do was cry out “For Nick Folk’s sake! Chris God-When will you stop scoring? I’m about to Noah Faint from this savage beat down!” Conversely, I,T was Terry McPourin’ it on thanks to supreme efforts from Kyler Murryriad-Of-Yards, Elijah Mitc-Hella-Touchdowns, and Hunter Renfr-Okay-Graham-You’ve-Made-Your-Point.

The good people over at I, Tonyan Inc. hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of Fantasy Recaps and would like wish everyone a warm and joyous holiday season. And if your fantasy team isn’t making ‘yoffs, we would like to formally invite you to live vicariously through I, Tonyan’s unfaltering success. Merry Crimbus and Happy Chunkah.

It’s times like these that make us appreciate life’s impermanence. Twelve short weeks ago I thought I had a dynamic squad, poised for dominance. Now, I’m reminded of how foolish I once was. Blinded by delusions of grandeur, deafened by the roar of my many, many fantasy football fans. Alas. Such is life.

Striking the final nail in Mesmoke Hard-To-Watch-man’s casket, the bullies at Cobra Kynda-Unnecessary-Victory emerged triumphant this weekend buoyed by 25 points from the Dolphins cease-and-De/SisT. Despite their opponent starting two injured players (CeeDee Lame-For-You-To-Win-When-You-Already-Clinched-Playoffs and Sterling Shepardon-My-French-But-Screw-You), MH still fell 26 points short of the win thanks to the drab performances from Stefon Digging-My-Own-Grave-Now and Elijah Moore-Dirt-On-Top-Of-My-Corpse-Please. Even Jake To-Hell-With-It couldn’t make a difference in the outcome as CK capped their decisive victory with 5 points from Chris BosWell-What-Do-I-Do-With-My-Life-Now.

If there’s one thing you learn today, I hope it is this: shame, immense, crippling shame, is an inevitable part of being a fantasy football manager. From the outside it looks all glamour and glitz, but on the inside it’s just the shameful ignominy of seeing your QB and both starting RBs combine for 13.5 points. I’d love to end this recap on a happier note, but I can’t. I simply can’t. Mesmoke Hardman is dead. In the wet, wet mud. Put to rest. No, I’m not being dramatic, you’re being dramatic.

And from the depths of the darkest of chasms! Against all odds, and against Lamar Jackson’s dysentery, Tanzania Demond Panthers stays not within playoff reach! Decisively defeating the league’s bully, MONEY BAGZ MILL$, in a matchup that carried zero league-wide ramifications. 

With only pride at stake, TDP went Josh All-In against the league leading MBM squad, in the Saquon Bark-Least consequential fantasy matchup since the Battle-of-Tyreek-Bunker-Hill. Although Joe was-Mixin’ a 24 point feast, MBM’s Thanksgiving meal was spoiled by a Brandin over-Cooked turkey, un-Budda’d Baked potatoes, and a cornbread casserole that straight up T.J. Hocken-Sucked. Over at TDP’s holiday feast, the village’s Hunter-Renfrow-Gatherers collected enough food and everyone’s Matt Prayers where answered when the dinner rolls came out not-too-Doughy Bosa. 

Most consider TDP’s efforts futile, others consider them valiant. Either way you look, this squad just ain’t makin’ ‘yoffs. No two ways about it. To all higher ranked teams whose playoff hopes are still alive thanks to the MBM loss, our inboxes are open. Tis’ the holiday season and TDP just gave you a gift. Let’s pay it forward. 

Oooh baby, let’s rip into another one of these. I know YOU aren’t tired of reading weekly breakdowns of one guy’s fantasy football matchups, and I sure as heck ain’t tired of writing them. It’s committed, honest relationships like ours that keep the world spinning. A testament to true love. Alright enough of the sappy, “no you’re schmoopie” blabber. Let’s get down to business (to defeat…the Huns).

Ted Dependent is a little worse for wear this week after attending a raucous Rick James themed party thrown by Herbie Fully Loaded. She’s-a-SuperZeke-SuperZeke Elliot kept the dance floor popping all night long for HFL despite TD’s entire team (Dallas) Skulking in the corner, not (Adam) Fielen the funky rhythm. Baker May-Be-Feeling hungover after HFL hazed him into chugging a full (Cooper) Kupp of (Teddy) Bongwater, forcing him sprint outside so he could (Hunter Ren)throw-up.

It’s losses like these that truly humble you and remind you that you’re human. You can’t win every week, folks. I’ve always said that, pretty sure I was the first to say it too. No matter how good your team looks on paper, it all comes down to how you perform on Sunday (or Thursday or Monday or the occasional Saturday during playoffs). The good people at Ted Dependent would like to thank Herbie Fully Loaded for the humility and would also like to kindly tell them to frick off.

Yoinks! The home team, Doug Chuggler, just missed the mark this week! It’s these close games that keep us interested, am I right? And it’s your (the reader’s) insatiable thirst for atrocious puns that keep you interested in this blog, am I right? If you answered “yes” to zero of these questions, then you’re in the right place! Thanks for coming! Let’s dive in!

Judge Jerry Jeudy’s comeback show scored a 12.9 percent on Rotten Tomatoes despite Myles Gaskin’-For-A-Shorter-Sentence so he could Patrick Ma-Go-Home sooner. With all Alvin Kameras on her, Jeudy showed no sympathy and sentenced Myles to go Carlos Hide behind bars and wish he had been on Judge Joe Marquise Brown’s show instead. Judge Jeudy’s show was followed up with a captivating episode of Dancing with the Tylars, where one Tyler was gettin’ Gigbee-With-It whereas the other Tyler was All-About-That-Bass-Bout-That-Bass-No-Treble.

In spite of the stinging loss, Doug Chuggler is grateful to have been part of great night of reality television. If I roll a 7 you do Molly is a worthy adversary and DC is honored to just to be included in their drug-and-dice version of Russian roulette.

Wahoo and Waluigi everyone! Fall is in the air and so is my imminent fall in this leagues standings. You may be saying, “Graham, it says your record is 7-1, why the long face?”. Well my scrupulous friend, I’d like to call your attention to the player in the second row on I, Tonyan’s lineup. It’s Derrick “Lead Contributor to I, Tonyan” Henry! The very talented and, now, very injured star running back for my once successful fantasy team. Yikes! Stick a fork in me fellas, because I am cooked turkey ready for the famous fall feast! See you next year!

I, Tonyan somehow managed a win after doing a lot of Terry Mc-Not-Scorin on Sunday, scraping out 79 puny Ja’Marr Chase-Bank-Credit-Card points to defeat their aptly named opponent, I Succop Cock bcuz I like it. Cock was not the only bad taste in ISCBILI’s mouth, as they got served a heaping bowl of Green Tee Figgs-and topped off with a generous scoop of Kale Sherbet. (It’s week 8 guys, the well of puns is starting to dry up). After receiving negative 1 points from the Suckaneers D, I, Tonyan was left with only thoughts and Matt Prayers of winning the highly touted matchup. Thankfully, I,T had a fantastic date night with Netflix-and-Elijah Mit-Chill, who brought 19 points and a bottle of Derrick Hennessy.

I, Tonyan may be down but we are certainly not out. We believe in our organization’s commitment to excellence and look to finish out the season strong, regardless of what schlub we trot out there at RB1.

Ew, ew, ew, brace yourselves for a yucky one, folks. This is my second time breaking down Mesmoke Hard, Man and, boy, have we gone down hill since the first time. I’m not one for melodrama but I think this might be the worst, least talented, most cringeworthy fantasy team anyone has drafted in the history of humanity. Phew. With that controlled and level-headed statement off my chest, I’m ready to get into the breakdown.

Completely outmatched, Mesmoke Hard, Man and was James Connquered by Matt Genghis Ry-Khan and the rest of the elite athletes on Awesome Cougars. Pitifully anchored by the weak contributions of Masome-Day-This-Will-Be-Over Crosby and DeWonta-Just-End-It-All-Now Smith, Mesmoke was never able to get their head above the D’Andre Swift current. Chuba got Hub-Bored of losing and decided to throw in the towel early in this matchup, letting Awesome Cougars go All-In on Robbin(son the II) Mesmoke of any hopes of the post-season.

The soul-crushing agony of defeat aside, Mesmoke Hard, Man finds it a little refreshing to no longer have hopes of winning any games. No longer shall we belabor over who to start, or who has the optimal matchup. We can just set it and forget it (emphasis on the forget). The time we would usually spend setting lineups can now be spent doing more productive things, like wallowing in sorrow or meandering in melancholy.

WAKE UP, PEOPLE! It’s 9am on a Monday, I’m 4 coffees deep and I just read an emotional letter from my now-moved-out roommate, LET’S GET EMOTIONAL, BABY! This week’s breakdown is brought to you by unsustainable energy and untethered emotions. Never have I been more ready to write about fake football teams and sports gambling.

Notching their 2nd win of a dismal season, Tanzania Demond Panthers were able pull off the unexpected victory thanks to the performances of TJ Wait-Watts-The-Score and Oh-My-Josh-We-Might-Actually-Win Allen. Despite receiving a generous 27 points from Leonard Skynard Fournette, Team sixty-niners’ debut EP was a flop due to the uninspiring backup vocals provided by Devin Barry White and Mike Will-Made-It-iams.

The good people here at TDP would like to classify this as a “building week” for their team, but that would be lie. The only thing being built this week were the walls around my unstable emotions. Make sure to come back next week for when I ask my dad to tell me one thing he’s proud of me for.

What a wiiiilddd and high scoring matchup, eh guys? Now, I know what you all must be thinking, “Graham, are only going to recap matchups where you win?” No, haters. Each week I rotate which one of my 5 fantasy team to do a recap on and it just so happens that they’re frequently winners. If there are any existing complaints, please email contact@grahamcamcomedy.com.

Can I Get a YoungHOE-YAAAH stunk their way to their 5th stinkin’ loss of the season. Although championed by Kyle Smell-My-Pitts and Cause-They-Reek Hill, CIGYHY was unable to cover the smell of poor performance from DJ Put-On-Moore-Deodorant and We-Can-Smell-You-For-Miles-And-Miles Sanders. CIGYHY was Alex Callin-Their-Mom to pick them up from Doug Chuggler’s sleepover after a botched game of Truth-or-Darren Waller where they chuggled a whole bottle of Leonard Fernet and Antonio Browned-Out.

Although taking home the decisive win, the good people at Doug Chuggler would like to tip their cap to CIGYHY for a stellar performance and even more stellar team name. And for those of you at home wondering “What’s the deal with Doug Chuggler?”, do yourself a favor and head over to www.chuggler.com and remind yourself what websites looked like in 2002.

Well, this matchup sucked about as much as my opponent’s team name! Hey-o! Missed a few weeks so we’re playing catch-up today folks. So nevermind if these jokes make you want to catch-up to your imminent deaths. But seriously, Brown? On my Henry Ass? I think he’s trying to say hairy ass because he has a player named Derrick Henry? That’s my working theory so far. The jury’s still deliberating on this one. Alright, lets jump into the breakdown.

Baker May-be-Field-ing some hard hitting questions from reporters this week after he spent 60 hard hitting minutes with Minnesotan linebackers, squelching out 9.30 points for the victorious Ted Dependent. Thankfully, Baker’s antics were upstaged by the namesake of this story’s heroine, Theodore Bridge-on-the-River-Kwater. Teddy B.O.T.R.K. laid an absolute goose egg that hatched into an ugly gosling, generously rated at 6.8 points. Although both QB’s played like the dried up half lemon in your fridge, Ted Dependent was saved but the pulpy performance of JuJu Shit-Juicer and Kanye Grapefruit who combined for a disrespectable 2.30 points.

The good people here at Ted Dependent are thanking their lucky stars to grind out a one point win this week and are hoping to, at one point, be a mediocre fantasy team.

What. A. Toilet. Bowl. Folks! For those of you who don’t know, which is pretty much everyone on god’s (yeah I didn’t capitalize the g cause sometimes it be like that, dog) green earth, I’ve been making weed/pot/marijuwingus puns for my fantasy football team name in this league since 2001. This year I struck comedic gold when I drafted Mecole Hardman, a wideout for KC. After some long, high thought, this genius landed on “Me smoke hard, man”, a true moment of word association brilliance. It’s creativity like this that will get me to the top, folks, you mark my words.

Although low scoring, MH was able to deliver CK a D’Andre Swift kick in the nats that caused sting of losing on Monday night to Jalen Hurt even worse. Although CK got some production out of Jane Austen Ekeler, some of their lineup choices made no Sense or Sensibility and ultimately led to team performance that lacked Pride and reeked of Prejudice. (yeah baby, bet you didn’t expect an early 19th century English novelist reference in a fantasy football recap now didja?)

I think we can all agree that, while insufficient, CK’s effort was as cute as a BeeBee Lamb. It was like watching a child play with a Dallas Go-Gurt tube but pretending to be a chef at Melvin Le Cordon Bleu school for the culinary arts.

Although this matchup is likely a preview of the last place game, Graham’s Ga-not gonna forget this win as it may be the last victory MH will ever Travis Kel-see.

Hooollyyy cow folks, what a big honkin’ slobberfest this one was. This was one of those matchups that, in a few months from now when all 17 of my fantasy teams don’t make the ‘yoffs and I’ve kissed all my soft earned money goodbye, I can look back upon and smile. Wow almost 200 points, what a thrill. And yes, I will round 196.5 up to 200, I did it on my second driver’s license and I’ll do it here, too.

Sending all my thoughts and Bears D/ST to TB this week after they spent all Sunday Chase Edmonds-ing their own tail as I,T unleashed Clyde Edwards-Hell-aire in the matchup of the week. While TB got substantial production from Tyler you-Lockett-up-no-you-Lockett-up, it paled in comparison to efforts of the No. 2 combo meal: a sausage and egg Terry McMuffin with hashbrowns and a large Cooper Cup o’-Cola, all for the low, low price of 64 fantasy points.

I would be remised if I didn’t recognize the Academy Award level performances from Kyler Bill Murray and Derrick Henry Cavill, who put on such a show that there wasn’t a dry eye in the audience.

I, Tonyan will look to continue it’s unparalleled league dominance next week when it visits divisional rival Sodom and Agholorrah.

In Week 1’s battle of the big cats, it was the biggest cat of them all, LP’s Christ-he’s-good-at-football-ian McCatfrey, who kept all his kittens in a row to the tune of 21.5 points. While TDP thought their young WR core was ridin’ dirty with Ty-reeks-of-talent Hill and this-Just-In-I’m-good-at-football Jefferson, it was actually Calvin Riddled-with-STD’s and Chris God-when-will-I-stop-itching that kept LP sexual active and eager for Week 2.

After TDP lost Gus Edwhadd-are-Those a few days before the season, their lineup had a slightly improvisational feel. However they were able to salvage dignity with the comedic works of T.J. Watts-in-the-box and Darrell Yes-And-erson who combined for a respectable 22.5 points.

All-in-all, it wasn’t a great showing by TDP’s squad, the Suck-aneers D made sure of that. But they will keep their spirits high and their glasses (Will) Full(-er the fifth) as they hope to (Devontae) Book(er) a victory next week.