Mesmoke Hardman (4-8) 70.0 v Cobra Ky (8-4) 97.0
It’s times like these that make us appreciate life’s impermanence. Twelve short weeks ago I thought I had a dynamic squad, poised for dominance. Now, I’m reminded of how foolish I once was. Blinded by delusions of grandeur, deafened by the roar of my many, many fantasy football fans. Alas. Such is life.
Striking the final nail in Mesmoke Hard-To-Watch-man’s casket, the bullies at Cobra Kynda-Unnecessary-Victory emerged triumphant this weekend buoyed by 25 points from the Dolphins cease-and-De/SisT. Despite their opponent starting two injured players (CeeDee Lame-For-You-To-Win-When-You-Already-Clinched-Playoffs and Sterling Shepardon-My-French-But-Screw-You), MH still fell 26 points short of the win thanks to the drab performances from Stefon Digging-My-Own-Grave-Now and Elijah Moore-Dirt-On-Top-Of-My-Corpse-Please. Even Jake To-Hell-With-It couldn’t make a difference in the outcome as CK capped their decisive victory with 5 points from Chris BosWell-What-Do-I-Do-With-My-Life-Now.
If there’s one thing you learn today, I hope it is this: shame, immense, crippling shame, is an inevitable part of being a fantasy football manager. From the outside it looks all glamour and glitz, but on the inside it’s just the shameful ignominy of seeing your QB and both starting RBs combine for 13.5 points. I’d love to end this recap on a happier note, but I can’t. I simply can’t. Mesmoke Hardman is dead. In the wet, wet mud. Put to rest. No, I’m not being dramatic, you’re being dramatic.