7 Life Updates from Former Classmates to Fill Your Day with Rage
You’re scrolling through your timeline, not a care in the world, then, BAM. A overlit and over-edited photo of some high school cheesebrain, complete with a “LIFE UPDATE:” caption. You weren’t even aware you still followed them, yet they just waltz back into your feed in one boastful post. You used to laugh at this dillweed. And now, painful as it is to admit, they’re doing better than you.
Crystal, Class of ’07 - She once told you that green “wasn’t your color” and you still let that bitch copy your Spanish homework. Now she runs her parent’s real estate company, gets her butt bleached bi-monthly, and is happily married to a guy named Guy whose hands are softer than the linens you sleep on.
Michael B., Class of ‘10 - You remember Michael B. as the guy who would wipe his boogers on TOP of his desk and then outline the boogers with his pen. Now Michael B. is outlining a screenplay for Netflix and is not private about the time he did molly with the Fyre Fest guy.
Jakob, Class of ‘06 - He got too drunk at Homecoming, puked on the gymnasium floor and then did the Worm through the vomit patch. Now he’s a therapist for Silicon Valley execs, exclusively rides Uber Black, and spends his evenings in the CNN comments sections.
Alex, Class of ‘08 - Alex used to flaunt her cafeteria-purchased lunch and make fun of you for bringing smelly thermos food. Now her main line of work appears to be posing in front of rural landscapes, throwing up double deuces, and captioning it with “Sun Kissed My Ass” or “Big Travel Gorl”.
Kenneth, Class of ‘06 - In second grade you taught him how to blow a spit wad. He then proceeded to pelt you said spit wads until your senior year. Now he’s a successful day trader that spits into wads of cash because he has more twenties than tissues.
Luke, Class of ‘09 - You know what, Luke was actually a pretty chill dude. You used to Trick or Treat with him and he never once went as anything remotely offensive which is pretty significant considering it was the Michael Scott-era. Luke lives in Sacramento with his wife and two kids and, frankly, you couldn’t be happier for the guy.
Hailey, Class of ‘08 - She ran for student body president with the slogan “Vote For Hailey or Go To Jail-ey” which made it impossible for you to date anyone named Hailey/Hayley/Haleigh. Now she runs half marathons, is sponsored by a Target brand makeup, and owns a shoe closet that’s bigger than the bus you ride to work.
Let’s see what people are saying about this: